Envy Gets A Job
by Hakaruster
Summary: Envy is forced to work. What chaos will rain down on Amestris!


Summary: Envy gets a job. What chaos will rain down upon Amestris!

Well 'allo there! Thank you for taking time out of you're oh so unimportant life to read my fiction of ultimate coolness. Shall we get started then!

Disclaimer: If I owned anything you might recognize in this fic, then I would be insanely rich. hits you like the idiot you are.

Chapter One

Clean up at station ten.

"You must be kidding me Pride!" Snapped Envy over the phone.

"Just do it Envy, you start in the morning over at Big John's supermarket." The phone clicked as Pride hung up the phone. Envy cursed.

"Damn him!" Envy threw the phone over at the wall out of rage. "I have to get a job?" He kicked the air grumpily. "Stupid Pride!" Lust was sitting on the night stand in the corner, looking at envy lustfully. "Oh get over it you big baby, it's just to draw attention away from ourselves." She spoke dully.

"You're not the one who has to go work with these humans are you now!" He said grumpily, falling face first into his pillow. Envy closed his eyes, and tried to contain his rage, which soon turned into deep sleep.

The next morning Envy woke with a horrible feeling all over his body. "This sucks." He muttered. Lust and Gluttony had apparently left somewhere, so envy was left alone to sort out his problem. Before he left that morning, he punched his Ed punching bag a couple of times, then made his way out of the room and towards Big John's supermarket.

When he arrived, he was sent into a room with a table and two chairs. It oddly seemed like an interrogation room. Envy twitched as he sat in the cold chair, and waited for about half an hour for someone to arrive.

Eventually, someone did arrive. A handsome middle aged man entered the room. He cleared his trough in an annoying _hum, hum_ and sat in the second chair. The man stared at Envy awkwardly, and pulled out a clipboard. "Name?" Envy smirked. "Envy." The man looked up at him with a raised eyebrow. "My parents were idiots." Said Envy, dully. "I see." Replied the man, scribbling on his paper. "Age?" Envy raised his eyebrow. "Um… 20?" The man nodded and continued to write on his clip board. "Gender?" Asked the man once more. "Male." Replied Envy, Withought looking at the man. The man looked up surprised. "Are you…sure?" Envy closed his eyes. "Positive."

After about an hour of cruel, mind numbing interrogations—

"It wasn't THAT bad you know…"

Oh shut up palm tree head.

Envy's jaw dropped and he started to punch the air.

The man who had been interrogating him stared in awe. Envy looked at him and sat back down, sweating. "Were done." Replied the man, his voice shaking.

"I'm not crazy you know." Envy said, averting his eyes. The man nodded, gave Envy his clerk apron and name tag, and left the room as fast as he could. Envy looked at the paper that lay in front of him. "Station ten, eh?" He said to himself, getting up from his chair. "I just hope chibi-san doesn't show up." Envy sighed, and left the room.

His station looked like the chibi-san had just been there. Everything was messed up and there was food all over the floor. The lady besides him told him that he looked odd, and that the guy who had been there before him was a pig… literally. Envy stared at the woman with fire in his eyes. "Call me odd again and ill kill you!" The woman paid no attention to his threat and averted her head. This hurt Envy's pride.

Envy was rather good at his job; it was rather simple. People tended to avoid his station though, thinking that he was way too weird. Envy's pride was now below his feet, but he couldn't kill all these innocent human beings could he? Of course he could! But Pride would never allow it.

At the end of his shift, Envy was so glad that he could go home, and that the Chibi-san hadn't shown up. When he arrived at his apartment, he heard the creaking of the bed and Lust and Gluttony's disgusting sighs of pleasure. The sounds echoed all night, so Envy slept outside that night.

Pretty disgusting I know.

"You're sick…" Envy said. "Who are you anyways?"

That's for me to know and for you to never ever find out.

"Bit—"

OI! NO CUSSING! Punches Envy in the gut.

Envy woke up with a fright that morning and a hurting feeling in his stomach. When he got inside his room, Lust and Gluttony were under the sheets. He wanted to do anything except wake them up right now, so he quickly exited the room and left for work.

The next day of work was the same, followed by two more days of complete boredom. Unfortunately, Envy's nightmare came true. There stood Edward Elric staring at him in horror, with a cart full of food. "E-E-ENVY?" Envy looked around for a way to get out of this, but there was no way. "I'm sorry; you must have me mistaken for someone else!" But Ed did not buy it.

Ed rushed at him with his super anime speed and punched him in the face. "GAH!" Envy fell backwards onto the floor and Ed thrust downward with his auto mail sword. Envy dodged it quickly with his awesome break dancing skills and jumped backwards. "Ch-chibi-san, stop this!" But it was too late, Ed could not be controlled. He transmuted Envy's station into various objects, trying to hit Envy. People around the whole store screamed in pain and agony, being hurt by Ed's alchemy. "Baka Chibi!" Yelled Envy, which only made Ed angrier. "DON'T CALL ME A SUPER SHORT MIDGET WHO WONT GROW AN INCH EVEN AFTER HES THIRTY!"

As Ed rushed towards him to stab him, he was stopped by a very large man. Like… HUGE! The man was crouched down, since he was too tall to fit in the store standing. "So, YOURE THE ONE WRECKING MY SUPERMARKET." Envy stared in awe. "B-Big John…?" Big John tossed Ed out the ceiling, sending him flying miles away. "You! YOURE FIRED!"

Envy's face looked like he had just received the novel prize. "OH THANK YOU!" He yelled, running outside spazzing. When he arrived at his apartment, he found Gluttony and Lust going at it again, but he didn't care. He picked up the shattered phone and miraculously called Pride.

"HAHA, I got fired!"

"I had anticipated that… you start next week at Central Elementary School." Said Pride, hanging up the phone.

Envy hung up and retired to his bed, foaming at the mouth.

This was the sad tale of a poor, tormented soul…

"Shut up Baka voice!"

Envy picks his nose.

"WTF!"

I can make you do whatever I want n00b:'D

Thank you for taking your valueless time to read this, please eagerly await the next chapter!


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